A Kind of Therapy

At an early age (around 11 or so), I had an interest in taking pictures. I would put my youngest sister in a pose and snap away. I'd take a camera along on walks and get shots of flowers and other things of interest. At one point, I thought maybe I'd go to school for photography but didn't have a portfolio built up. Then came college and work and not much time for photography anymore.

The turning point... having children. I can remember bringing Nat home from the hospital and spending the afternoons snapping away, developing pictures and getting a really good one every now and then. We finally went digital when I was pregnant with Haley and oh, what a relief. Snap. Snap. Don't like that one. Delete.

The biggest moment though was receiving Haley's diagnosis and searching the internet endlessly for every Wolf-Hirschhorn article I could find. Not only did I find WHS info. but I found this which was so much more. Grab a box of tissues and click on this site, Footprints Photography , select the Portfolio menu and drag down to the Heart and Soul section and embark on a journey of emotion, tears, empathy, love and grief. This site carried me through much of the first year following Haley's diagnosis. I realized that every child, regardless of appearance or abilities, is beautiful and worthy of being loved.

Shouldn't this come naturally? It should, and it does for most, but when you have a child born with features that don't fit the norm, doctors telling you your child won't do this and that, and will most likely not live a long or normal life, it can be hard to love that child immediately and unconditionally. At least I found it difficult in the beginning. There is an adjustment period, a period of grief and a period of acceptance.

For me, the period of grief was a long one. I think I cried every day for the first several months, then several times a week, then onto a couple times a month, down to once or so a month or several a year. Then you start to see things won't be as bad as you were led to believe they would be. You start to find good things and joys and feelings of love. You start to accept your child and your new life. You are adjusting.

The one thing to remember is that people handle things differently and on their own terms. I still battle feelings of anger and guilt. I'm angry that Haley may not know many of the joys in life that we do, that she and Nathaniel will not play like normal siblings play, that Nathaniel will not have a sibling for support and making decisions when Jim and I are older or gone, that Nathaniel could one day be faced with dealing with Haley's death and the effects it would have on him... I feel guilty for waiting til' we were older to have kids, for not giving Haley a normal life or Nathaniel a normal sibling... I know that I grieved longer than most and it took two years for me to get to the state of acceptance. The other thing to remember is that grief is an ongoing process. There are good days and there are bad days... but the good days come more and more and the bad days less and less.

Although the road was long and an uphill battle at that, I did come to love Haley and accept her and our new life as it is. I was always a perfectionist for as long as I can remember and think that played a part in my inablility to accept it sooner than I did. Yet, oddly enough, I wonder if that was part of "the plan". I'm not nearly as anal-retentive as I once was, things are not always perfect anymore... my house is not as neat and clean, my car is usually dirty, and papers are not filed where they should be... and I'm learning to not care as much or let it worry me.

What does matter is that my kids know that I love them unconditionally. And part of that journey for me was finding the work of Erin Drallos of Footprints Photography. In her work, I didn't see children with disabilities and dysmorphic features. I saw children with a spirit and inner beauty that captured the love of others unconditionally. That's what photography has been for me... a kind of therapy.

In the beginning, I was taking pictures all the time... just in case... at least we would have pictures to help fill in the memories. I was especially concerned for Nathaniel because he was so young. Then I started following photography blogs and Two Peas to learn all that I could. I upgraded cameras and started purchasing lenses to get better quality pictures. At some point, I'd like for this to be more than a hobby, so I'm working on reading and learning and practicing. Maybe one day...

(For those of you who have asked, I have a Canon Rebel Xsi which you can pick up for a little over $600 or so. With this you can spend a little more and get a kit lens or two with it. I got 2 with mine and spent a little over $900 a year ago this past December. However, in my quest to get better quality pics I purchased 4 other lenses last summer ranging in price from $4oo - $700. This is not a neccesity as most would be satisfied with the kit lenses. Had I known more then, there is one lens I might have held off on. I do notice a difference in my pics with the new lenses but I'm noticing even more clarity now with the right lighting and getting the exposure right in the camera. These are the keys (lighting and exposure) to getting good pictures.)


In the meantime, I try to practice as much as I can... There are even times when I don't have to plead with Nathaniel and Haley usually doesn't have much choice in the matter. Every now and then I get someone who comes to me. I took the pictures below for my niece who is going to school for Sports Medicine but would like to do a little acting at some point so I did a few headshots for her to send out. I was pretty happy with them overall (other than I had white balance issues with the white shirt which I can't seem to correct). Thanks Kelly.